Today my life sucks. I say today, because I like to keep an optimistic perspective on things, but to tell you all the truth, I don’t know when things are gonna pick up to the point that things were prior to the grand city move.

For a while now I have been contemplating my reasons for moving to the big smoke in the first place, after all, my job in my old town was secure, my hubby had a job he liked, the rent was low… we had a pretty sweet existence, so why did I want to move?

Well, I guess the first thing is that I had always had this glorified image of the city, and being a lawyer and living some corporate lifestyle fantasy where I was able to sashay around in suits and have lunches paid for on the firm tab. I wanted to be one of those gorgeous north shore blondes that I see around me everyday who look like they don’t have a care in the world, with their gucci bags and their pearls and their perfect nails. I built my life in the country around this goal and worked and worked to try to achieve it. I think back to my calendar of last year, which I still have, with the little picture I drew of me, the cat and my hubby and a plane, saying “big move!!!!”. I was so excited.

The reality is that the city is hard, and city living is tough. Travel is cripplingly expensive. Groceries are dear, and the temptation to buy things is so much greater because there are so many things to tempt you. In the city, you travel for two hours a day, just to get to work. You pay $70 a fortnight in transport before you have even made a cent and then get home too exhausted to do anything, but you can’t afford takeout so you just have to try to scrounge up something moderately eatable. You are frequently lonely - you can be lonely on a full bus or a train. Surrounded by people, you can feel horribly isolated - that’s if you are lucky enough to be ignored. Otherwise you can have a freak stare at you for the whole ride, or if you are even more unlucky they’ll want to talk to you. In the city, people who don’t even care about you are always interested in the minorest details of your existence. If you have a sore foot and try to put a blister on it, you will have an audience. These people only stare because there is nothing else to do — there is so much dead time in the day.

When I get up, it’s dark. I scramble to get ready to catch the bus, then a train for one stop, then another train. I see homeless people regularly, and frequently have to fend them off as I am trying to make my way to work. People in stations are stupid, and encourage me to be a bitch as I pointedly tell them to “stand to the side of the escalator so people can pass” or “please let me through”. Often they need to be told numerous times. I often want to hit them.

My hubby travels further than I do and he often comes home really late at night. We are so tired we watch TV… gone are the days when we used to chat. If we do chat we feel stressed about all the things we aren’t doing and the fact that we will get to bed late and will be exhausted the next day. My hubby works maybe 4 jobs — I have lost track, just to keep us okay with the rent and the bills, while I have only pulled in $300 this month. We are literally counting our pennies and trying to make ends meet till the end of the fortnight and I can’t even bear to check out when the bills are due cause I want to vomit.

I need a car, but I won’t be getting one anytime soon. It will be dark at 5 soon and the prospect of walking down dark streets terrifies me. We pay an exorberant amount of rent to live at my hubby’s parents house, but are financially bound to do this as we don’t have the means to move…. this is vimes boots theory in practice here.

Being poor on the north shore is screwing with my brain. I feel constantly insecure. I feel conspicious, like an outsider. sometimes I feel resented. I went into ralph polo laurent a few days ago and could have cried for the way I was treated, and I remind you all at this point that I am a practicing solicitor. Yes, the harsh reality - I’m working for bugger all, my HECS debt is through the roof and I just simply want things to be easy… just for once! I just want to buy things and not feel guilty. I want to feel validated in my choice of degree, I want to feel good about a night out, buying dinner….

I want to scream at people that I am a person who deserves better. My family is completely uninterested in my plight, not that I would take their help anyhow. I am alone and I just have to deal, but sometimes the mask slips a little.

Like today.